Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
