How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
