Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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