Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
you had me at cake vodka
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
