she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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