White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
