Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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