i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize