ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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