I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
