Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Michael Bay diarrhea
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
