If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
