like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
