I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
