i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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