I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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