he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize