Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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