Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
