Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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