HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
