You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
you inspire me to be a worse person
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Randomize
