How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize