OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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