it's not cheating when I paid for it
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
