I think i sorta joined a cult last night
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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