I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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