I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
