remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
