i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
