Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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