i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
