he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
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