A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
