i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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