He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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