a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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