my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
My vagina just clenched in fear
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
