If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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