he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
