I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
