No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
