Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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