I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
