I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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