i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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