He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize