The brown eye won't let me do that either.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
