Her vagina should come with caution tape.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
