i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
