I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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