you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
