So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
