sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
