i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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