I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize