i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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