I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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